A Happier Way

I don’t want to have to wait to be retired before I can be happy.

I know that I’m planning to save up to go to school, I know that’s a future that I can head towards, but I also feel like there must be a better way to get there- a happier way.

Twenty Minutes

I’m missing 20 minutes of time that I can’t recall. I looked up, recognizing where I was, looked down for what I thought was a moment only, then looked up and was in entirely the wrong area of the city.  I missed my bus stop, wound up in the middle of nowhere, and was almost late for work.  Terrifying, discombobulating, and entirely not okay.

This happened on Friday.  My working theory is that this may be a side effect of the Abilify.  If it happens again, I’ll stop taking it.  Either way, I’ll bring it up to my doctor.

No Pretty Way to Say it

I’m struggling.

I’m struggling with my body, with my mind, with the people around me, and especially with work right now.

My thoughts tend not to form complete sentences anymore, and I loose track of what I’m doing or saying partway through.  There was a time when I wrote a fifteen page essay in twenty minutes and got an A on it- that could not happen now.  It takes me an hour and a half to compose a little rinky dink post like this, and I’m still not satisfied with it.

Professional Imposter 

The weather yesterday was nice.

I didn’t feel the imposter syndrome effect yesterday as much as I did the day before. I’m worried I’ll feel it today because I finished the task I’ve grasped already, and now I’ll have to try and struggle through the rest. I was supposed to get more training tomorrow in overtime, but it’s been cancelled.

Medication Side Effects

I feel tired and dizzy a lot of the time.  Some of it’s probably the medications I’m on at the moment (Escitalopram and Abilify), but in a lot of ways I’ve always felt tired- dizzy is relatively new, having shown up just a few years ago.  At this point I’m finding it difficult to separate side effects of the medication from the effects of Generalized Anxiety Disorder.  Maybe this is something I will talk about at my next Psych appointment.

Anybody else feel the same?

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I feel emotionally shredded.

I don’t know how to talk about this.  I guess most of my friends have heard some or even most of my issues at one time or another- they all know a lot of my issues stem from my relationship with my mother.  I’ve heard all my life from people that it can’t be as bad as all that, she’s family and I should make more of an effort, or variations on that theme.  I’ve rarely actually told those people the extent of the problems, when I talk about these things, I usually downplay them or minimize them so as not to upset people.

My psychiatrist automatically came out and said that the situation was child abuse, before I was anywhere near done.  He seemed indignant.

I can’t explain how much of a relief it is to hear someone say that to me.