My next appointment is this weekend, and I am both dreading and looking forward to it.
I was supposed to buy two books, The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by Edmund J. Bourne, and one other which I have not only forgotten the title and author of, but also not bought. I’ve read a little from the beginning, but I’m really having a hard time focusing enough to read more than a paragraph at a time. I used to read for 8 hours straight on long car trips, I cannot express how distressing it is to no longer be able to do something I once enjoyed so much!
I don’t want to have to wait to be retired before I can be happy.
I know that I’m planning to save up to go to school, I know that’s a future that I can head towards, but I also feel like there must be a better way to get there- a happier way.
I’m missing 20 minutes of time that I can’t recall. I looked up, recognizing where I was, looked down for what I thought was a moment only, then looked up and was in entirely the wrong area of the city. I missed my bus stop, wound up in the middle of nowhere, and was almost late for work. Terrifying, discombobulating, and entirely not okay.
This happened on Friday. My working theory is that this may be a side effect of the Abilify. If it happens again, I’ll stop taking it. Either way, I’ll bring it up to my doctor.
I’m struggling with my body, with my mind, with the people around me, and especially with work right now.
My thoughts tend not to form complete sentences anymore, and I loose track of what I’m doing or saying partway through. There was a time when I wrote a fifteen page essay in twenty minutes and got an A on it- that could not happen now. It takes me an hour and a half to compose a little rinky dink post like this, and I’m still not satisfied with it.
The weather yesterday was nice.
I didn’t feel the imposter syndrome effect yesterday as much as I did the day before. I’m worried I’ll feel it today because I finished the task I’ve grasped already, and now I’ll have to try and struggle through the rest. I was supposed to get more training tomorrow in overtime, but it’s been cancelled.
I feel tired and dizzy a lot of the time. Some of it’s probably the medications I’m on at the moment (Escitalopram and Abilify), but in a lot of ways I’ve always felt tired- dizzy is relatively new, having shown up just a few years ago. At this point I’m finding it difficult to separate side effects of the medication from the effects of Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Maybe this is something I will talk about at my next Psych appointment.
Anybody else feel the same?
It’s grey and gloomy; when I first got up the mist was so low and thick that out the window it looked like there was white paper covering the glass.