It’s been up and down, lately, but mostly just okay.
I have exciting news, though: I’m getting a kitten at the end of August.
In preparation, we’re re-organizing the apartment, so I’ll share some before and afters, since environment has a huge impact on how I feel, usually.
- My father died when I was three and a half
- I was depressed by 9 years old, and suicidal by 11
- The semicolon is a symbol of suicide awareness, please see: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Project_Semicolon for more information
- My father loved airplanes
- My uncle died when I was in my early twenties
- My uncle was one of the few people who I felt supported my interests, one of the few positive adult role models I had as a tween
- My uncle and I had a running joke that he couldn’t recognize Orion
- The way I stayed alive through my worst period was by convincing myself that if only I made it through one more day, then I could kill myself the next day – I said to myself “One More Day” every day for so many years that the phrase changed meaning, and eventually it came to mean, “Only if today is worse than the worst day…” I am here today because of this phrase, and now it is indelibly written on my skin as a reminder and an affirmation.
Symbols of Progress
Now I’ve been able to articulate in a permanent way these things, not to share with you or anyone, but to share with myself for comfort, memory, healing, and so maybe it will be easier each day to keep moving forward, so I can stop being so caught in my past that I can’t see anything else.
*raises a glass* To one more day, and then another, and then many; each one at a time.