- My father died when I was three and a half
- I was depressed by 9 years old, and suicidal by 11
- The semicolon is a symbol of suicide awareness, please see: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Project_Semicolon for more information
- My father loved airplanes
- My uncle died when I was in my early twenties
- My uncle was one of the few people who I felt supported my interests, one of the few positive adult role models I had as a tween
- My uncle and I had a running joke that he couldn’t recognize Orion
- The way I stayed alive through my worst period was by convincing myself that if only I made it through one more day, then I could kill myself the next day – I said to myself “One More Day” every day for so many years that the phrase changed meaning, and eventually it came to mean, “Only if today is worse than the worst day…” I am here today because of this phrase, and now it is indelibly written on my skin as a reminder and an affirmation.
Symbols of Progress
Now I’ve been able to articulate in a permanent way these things, not to share with you or anyone, but to share with myself for comfort, memory, healing, and so maybe it will be easier each day to keep moving forward, so I can stop being so caught in my past that I can’t see anything else.
*raises a glass* To one more day, and then another, and then many; each one at a time.
It’s a lot easier for me to tell when my thoughts are running in the paranoia vein lately. Often I’ll think a thing, and then pause, and think “Well, the paranoia is strong with this one…” and it doesn’t take the hurt out of the first thought, the sting is still there, but it’s easier for me to act as if it isn’t true. Also, it makes me think of Star Wars, which is a pleasant distraction.
I’m thinking this is probably due to the Abilify.
I have a cold. The regular cold meds I take tend to make me dizzy and a little dopey, and the effect is slightly increased by my other medications (Cipralex and Abilify). Where I work it can be dangerous not to have your full faculties, so I’m trying to take things slowly and steadily with varying success. I ran over the back of my heel yesterday with a giant metal cart, which was quite unpleasant, but at least the scrape is healing fairly quickly- the bruise will take longer.
So, I tried getting drunk on my current medications on the weekend.
The bottles advise that the prescriptions might increase the effect of alcohol, and oh boy do they! Normally I get drunk slowly and only stay that way for about 20 to 30 minutes at a time, unless I drink very constantly and very quickly. I got drunk and stayed drunk quite successfully. I did not experience any negative side effects from the experience, unless you count a slightly dry mouth the next morning, which I don’t.
PSA: If your doctor, or your pharmacist, or the bottles advise you not to drink alcohol while on your medications, please don’t. Every medication is different, and every person has a slightly different reaction, this was just mine. Please don’t assume that you’ll be okay to drink unless your doctor and/or pharmacist say that it is.
I’ve been feeling energetic, even hyper. It’s a new sensation- I have been getting so much done!!
Is this how being a ‘real’ person is like? ‘Cause I don’t hate it…
Today was especially difficult. My psych appointment this morning was over an hour late, just like my doctor’s appointment yesterday was.
Then we went to H&R Block to file taxes, and waited a long time there.
After that we waited another long period at the bank.
I feel like we spent the whole day sitting in chairs where my feet didn’t reach the ground.
I’ve lost my keys, got intense back pain, and couldn’t focus on anything for more than a few seconds at a time all day.
That’s the bad news.
Here’s the good news: my tax return was more than expected, so I can pay off my debt and I also had enough to buy myself a multi-coloured LED mousepad and keyboard combination which is helping me concentrate on the keys enough that I can type this post, and hopefully I’ll also be able to work on my Camp Nanowrimo project next month with greater ease. The colours are delightful, and worth every penny I spent. 🙂
video of the keyboard
My next appointment is this weekend, and I am both dreading and looking forward to it.
I was supposed to buy two books, The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by Edmund J. Bourne, and one other which I have not only forgotten the title and author of, but also not bought. I’ve read a little from the beginning, but I’m really having a hard time focusing enough to read more than a paragraph at a time. I used to read for 8 hours straight on long car trips, I cannot express how distressing it is to no longer be able to do something I once enjoyed so much!